Days off – an interesting question.

I’m enjoying participating in NaNoWriMo. I’m still sticking with Blue October (which, I might point out, is heavily Christian, but I do enjoy the music) for the soundtrack for the book. Justin truly is an artist, and he speaks form his heart. So good.

So far, I’m currently 18,948 words into my novel. Today’s total following the suggested daily target, is 19,992 – I get a calendar and set it as my background picture each time I do this, so I have some inspiration. Not that I always open my computer to a clear screen, but it’s there, all the time, so I know where to go, plus that I have a goal. Something to think about when I’m not involved in a specific mass goal/movement like NaNoWriMo. Self motivation.

Anyhow. The thought I pulled up the blog post to write (I planned to write a blog post today, because I don’t want to leave my followers – *pauses and looks around to the sound of chirping* – hanging, so I’m making sure to finish off the day before I go to sleep to put one up).

Days off. I’m roughly 1000 words behind. I could feel bad about that. I could say “I’m going to rally – tomorrow, Friday, next Monday, whenever – and catch up.” Which I can do. Either one.

I’m not consistent yet in my choice. Working to stay positive, right now, is still just that – work. But work I’m enjoying.

I’ve been through a bit in the last couple years, stuff that I can’t necessarily go into – I don’t see the point, really, it acknowledges someone I don’t really want to acknowledge as much as I’m sure they’d like, and I’m currently on a track where I don’t want to look back – I want to enjoy the now and look to the future.

The normal questions run through my head with all of this, tho:

What is the goal?
Is it the journey, or the destination that’s the goal in all this?
Like a knit or crochet project…I enjoy the act of knitting and crocheting. It’s amazing watching that yarn flowing through my fingers, whether over needles or a hook. Watching the item grown – a scarf, a hat, a hood, a stuffed animal. Or the wire, now. That’s going to be fun – I took a wire wrapping class a little over a week ago, and found I had developed the talent needed to make wire wrapped jewelry over the years, playing with wire here and there. And I picked up a pattern book about a month ago that includes crocheting with wire or gold thread. Huh, what do you know?

What’s the point? If it all ends anyhow….?

Is there really something beyond? I chose to think there is, because I just can’t fathom the idea that there isn’t anything beyond more so than I can’t stand to think there is someone judging me for being perfectly human. I don’t, by the way. I don’t believe there is any more than a higher form of myself out there doing the judging. That’s not to mean there isn’t a framework of morality – just that it’s not that there’s a big bully out there judging me. It’s me. That’s really all there ever was judging me, all I’ve ever experienced. I’m the one that chooses to judge – actions of myself, and those actions of others.

I’m working hard to do more than just write, of course. I’m knitting, of course – selling at Lady of the Lake. Selling person to person. I have business cards. I have picked up custom orders. I have items I’m working on in barter. I have items I’m working on for other things – gift baskets – for the show I’m doing, and for the shop.

And trying to get out and live my life. Enjoy it. Not just sit here on my computer and watch tv like stuff. Get out and talk to people, do things, enjoy what’s going on around me.

I’ve found a great website/app for listening to podcasts. I have to give the thanks to Miguel at Aeon Byte Gnostic Radio. He posted that he had put a copy of the podcast up on there. Stitcher. And I’ve found several other stations – Atheist channels, too. Not that I’m an Atheist – I am very much a Gnostic. But, in my mind Atheists and Gnostics aren’t that far off. But I’d say – understanding comes from every direction. This one, from The Thinking Atheist (I’ve truly enjoyed his podcasts the most, other than Aeon Byte):

Interesting, as I’m listening to this podcast. I don’t consider myself an Atheist, and I still believe in a higher power. I believe there is something, I just don’t necessarily define it, but I find the myth surrounding what I’ve learned about Gnosticism to make the most sense.

But my turning point in no longer being a Christian – it came most recently, because of my second round of being a born again Christian. I was not getting a “this is how to change that” or “it’s okay for being who you are” when I had personal questions. It was always, one way or another, being turned back ‘put it in God’s/Jesus’s hands’. It was “you’re wrong for just being you.” There may be a higher power directing our path. We may choose it ourselves (I lean more that way). But there are lessons to be learned – it’s not part of some fake ultimate plan. If it’s an ultimate God, then they are short sided, not worthy of being praised, and they really messed up. Even if *I’m* the one that did. Take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for what you do – do not push it off onto some ultimate, higher power. YOU make those choices. Live with them. On the other side, whether you are Christian or Atheist – one way or another your “sins” are wiped away (by salvation/grace or by the fact that there’s nothing. Can’t pay or be saved from something if nothing exists). So this is the only place you have to pay for it. Deal with it.

This is just my view. I own it. I have morals – which no matter what my religious identification, will stand up to most if not all codes.

Enough of that. It’s heavy.

Enjoy Stitcher. I love it.

Have a good evening.

(Sorry for the rambling. This was more of a flow of consciousness piece than something I was really looking to put out as polished and concise.)

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