The anticipation really is what kills you. I feel like Christmas morning right now—but not the happy, glowing part. The “after all the presents are unwrapped part.” It’s not a bad thing, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy I’m here—but I feel a real low at the moment. I’ve gotten my “prezzies” (the most anticipated critiques) and now that it’s all over, I have nothing to look forward to but more writing. Which will be just like the happy, glowing part of Christmas morning again….but now I have to deal with the let down after all the much anticipated fun. Which makes it hard to work, even though my mind is going a mile a minute with ideas on how to improve my story again.
Which brings me to why I’m looking for some personal clarification. I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of life, figure out where this all is going, figure out where I want to end up and be at the end of all this. When I die, what do I want people to remember me for? What do I KNOW people would remember me for if I were to die tomorrow?
I know what people would remember me for. I know they will remember me for my big, loving heart. Sometimes it gets me in trouble (oh, you don’t know), but for the most part I know that’s what people find the most remarkable about me and what the majority of people who would walk into the funeral home for my viewing or the funeral would remember about me. I love my friends, and I know they know it. I love my family, and for the most part, I know they know, too. I’m not perfect, I know they’re not, but we all love each other anyway.
Is it wrong for me to want there to be more? I want to be known for more than love, I want my name known. And I want to profit from that. Is that so bad? I want to do what I love and get paid for it.
And what do I love? I love the rush of writing a good story, having the characters talking to me, pointing out to me what they think, feel, are motivated to do. I love the rush of finding out people (sincerely) like my work. I know the difference between “sincere” and “just saying it to be nice”. I love the rush of working out the kinks. Good grief, but my mind is going a million miles a minute right now just thinking about the current story, and I want to sit down and work on it so I don’t lose the ideas, but I don’t want to work on it because with the low feeling from “unwrapping the prezzies”, I don’t want to ruin the story! UGH!
There’s one other thing that I love that I wouldn’t mind getting paid for, and I see it as almost the same kind of thing as writing—that is, knitting and crocheting. They are just like writing because it’s creating. And I love to create 🙂