I’m back from the ultrasound…

And I had a good cry on my way home. I don’t know what it is yet. I talked to the ultrasound operator, and when I told her I wondered if it’s PCOS, she said that she’s seen lots of polycystic ovaries and mine don’t look like the “classic” ones.

The good cry was because I’m sick of being told “we don’t know what’s wrong with you.” And because I realized part of why I’m looking for it to be something like PCOS is because I don’t want to blame myself for how I am. It’s so much easier to say “I’m not fat because I overeat and don’t exercise enough” (though that is certainly true and I admit that much.). It’s easier to say “it’s not my fault, my hormones are out of whack and I can’t get up, because I’ve got this thing.” Instead of just saying I’m lazy. Thing of it is, like this week, I’m so dang tired sometimes. Sure, I stay up too late, but that doesn’t explain why sometimes I can do fine on coffee and feel great and other times I drag tail after a couple days of coffee. It doesn’t explain why, even when I was walking and going to the gym just after we got married and I took Depo that I couldn’t find the energy to get up and go to the gym after a while. And then I gained 100 pounds in literally 6 months.

So I feel the answer is one of two options.

1. It’s all my fault that I’m like this. So I might as well curl up and die, because I’m not going to do any better. I’d get together with the doc to try to fix it, but I’ll only have myself to blame.

2. It’s not all my fault — I have SOMETHING that has caused these problems. In which case, I go on with my head held high and have something to point to, while working with the doc to at least treat it if not fix it.

But then, I can’t be negative. It feels even worse than being sick to be negative. I can’t see how people can stand to have that in their system (I guess it shows though because there are certain people I think about when I say that. And man are they ugly. Outside AND in!) for long. How to they LIVE on that???

No, I have to remember, Christ died for me, and that with Him this will be taken care of. Before I left, when I was getting ready, I prayed. Please, let the doctor figure this out. Help him help me! I’m just going to have to wait some more, that’s all!

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