I’m definitely still around. I’m (sorta) looking forward to next Wednesday, as I will be going in for my annual, and I’ll be able to discuss how I’m feeling with my doctor. 😐 I hope we can figure out what’s going wrong with me. Is it all just my weight? I have to say, I’ve felt rather…dismissed by the physician’s assistants I’ve seen, instead of my doctor. The one dismissed my back pains as “normal” for a mom, for an over weight woman, for us women in general. What if the pains I started having a year ago were just the precursors to all this, and because I had to wait a week and a half for the ultrasound, we can’t figure out what it is?
I have to say, sitting here and contemplating a few things, just in this very room, I have begun to wonder.
First, I really started feeling bad in about November of 2007. I had been going to Weight Watchers, and I had been doing GREAT! I mean, good heavens, I had lost 50 POUNDS!!! And I felt great! I was walking every weekend, at LEAST, plus several other times during the week, and I was feeling GOOD. Then about Thanksgiving and Christmas, I started feeling horrible. Depressed when I looked around the apartment. Depressed when I looked around the neighborhood at the houses, because the weekly walk was of course to deliver the Penny Savers. And I started gaining the weight back. In little increments at first, but at least half, if not a full 3/4ths of the weight I had lost came back. 😦 I now am at about 325, which is about 15-20 less than what I was when I started WW again. Heck, I was even WRITING REGULARLY for a while there.
And do you know what ELSE happened that month? Well, on November 11th, 2007, the furthest spot of leakage destroyed the computer monitor for our computer. And got ALL OVER the desk it was on. I remember, because we had gone over to my dad’s that day, since it was Veteran’s Day and he and my daughter both had the day off (dad, after, all, is a government employee. Not one who can do much change, unfortunately—fortunately?—but still…), to help him with some yard work. And we came home to the ceiling there having leaked all over our monitor. I still haven’t done anything with that monitor—it sits on the floor in our sunroom, waiting for me to decide to find someplace to recycle it. P’s Sunday School teacher works at a computer store, maybe I can ask her if she knows of anywhere? I should, I’ve been thinking about it.
But I digress. So, there was all that. And then, last April, I had that first instance of back pain. It was horrible. 5-6 hours of I don’t know what, I just couldn’t get it to stop and it kept me up all night. And at least 2 more instances, where I was going back and forth between the bathroom and, after a while, our couch, (sorry for this image) nearly naked because I got sick of stripping to get back in the shower–because that was the only time I felt normal! In the hot water. Since then it’s not been every month that I’ve felt off…though there were those instances when something seems to have changed, and I knew it was directly linked to the “monthly”. And when I looked up Irritable Bowel Syndrome, it had mentioned that sometimes it can be triggered by gastroenteritis, resulting in post-infectious IBS (IBS, NDDIC). I had a good bit of feeling really crappy last Easter, who really knows what that was, but it could have come from that, or it could have been working itself up for a while, considering my funks I’ve had off and on for a good couple years. Sometimes, the week of my period and the one just after, I felt liberated from whatever it was holding me back. Usually in the winter. And I never said anything to the doctor about it because I’d feel better by the time my annual rolled around.
And what bugs me the most is the other thing that I can see from where I sit. It’s the bill for my ER visit a month ago. It’s not the bill so much (though that doesn’t help much). It’s what it represents. I think T summed it up the best when, after looking at it and considering that we might not have to pay all of it, but we do have to pay roughly 10%, he pointed out that it’s “a really expensive way to be told ‘you’re fine, we can’t find anything wrong.'” (I’m paraphrasing, of course. I don’t remember exactly his words, but that’s the gist of it.) The only thing anyone can find wrong is that my blood pressure is a bit high. And my heart beats a little too fast. But my blood work, for YEARS has come back fine (despite having a sordid family medical history hanging over my head—heart disease, kidney stones, migraines, diabetes…). They saw nothing wrong on the CT.
But I want to feel normal again. I want to be able to walk out my door without feeling scared to walk all over creation, like we’re supposed to. I want to get thin again. I want to not worry about feeling dried out. I can never seem to get much water in me, not enough. I don’t think I drink enough to begin with right now. I’m going to have to start carefully monitoring myself, I think that’s the only way to get around this. I’ll have to start tomorrow.
I hope I can do this. It will mean getting better. Which is where I want to be. I hate this not well me. Whatever it’s from. I want to me the happy, healthy me.
Pray for me, please. Maybe I’ll start chronicling it with another blog. Maybe not. Right now, though, I have to get to bed.