I’m definitely hoping things, medically, are improving. I don’t want to end up in the emergency room again. I don’t like that they were not able to tell me a definite reason for why I was sick, other than the reasons I gave them (ie. dehydrating myself again). I’ll find out this afternoon what all my blood tests had to say. I’m kinda sick of having to see the Physician’s Assistants every time I go. I’m getting a different one—maybe this time she’ll actually listen to me. 😐 I sorta wondered if the other one wasn’t just brushing off some of the things I told her about. Because I had complained about sometimes having a pain in my side in just the place that I had it this time. But we shall see.
You know, sometimes being my daughter’s mother just brings me to my knees. I don’t know what to do sometimes. I got a call from that friend who watched the kids last week, and the things she wanted to talk to me about were things I was aware of. But part of it makes me feel bad—she’s the first, and she’s going to be the hardest, but I so often wonder if we’re successfully navigating that fine line between “too hard” and “not hard enough”. I’m afraid we fall on the “not hard enough” way more often than the “too hard”. I also worry that, since we had P, we’ve been even less effective as parents—I worry that we’ve paid him more attention than her, and that’s why she’s being difficult—she doesn’t feel loved, that we come down really hard on her but are really easy on him, that she feels we love him more than her. Especially since I’m always looking at him and exclaiming at how cute or sweet or smart he is. Part of the problem is that she really can’t remember all those years, when she was his age, when I was saying and doing the same things with her. She really doesn’t remember how easy she had it once.
I love her so much, I don’t know what to do sometimes. I can’t ever show her enough. But if I show her too much, won’t I just spoil her? This is such a delicate balance, and I wonder that it’s off. 😦
Gotta get ready for my appointment. Take care.