Like ships in the night…

Today was pretty cool. We finally filed our taxes WOO HOO!!! I made and canceled the appointment 3 times before it going through today. There is MUCH to be happy about with that! 😀

While T and I were doing that, the original plan was put into place as to the care of P…with a minor adjustment. My MOPS mom friend’s husband had gotten sick himself in the meantime…so we met her at McDonald’s, and her two kids and P got to play for the hour 🙂 She homeschools, so they are a bit older, but sweet kids and they love playing with P. 😀 He had a good time, and was a good kid too. Of course!

Then us adults sat for a while and talked about this that and the other thing. Man, it’s been a while since I had a really good friend I could just sit and talk with. Someone my hubby got along with too…someone who had a hubby or SO that my hubby could hang out with…maybe we can try that sometime too. 🙂

It’s been a while, but I don’t want to be greedy with someone else’s time. In an effort to keep from over doing it, I’ve consistently under done any possibility of having a friend. That makes me want to cry, really. I miss having a good friend. While I have lots of people that we get along with great—this lady being the most notable recently—I just can’t move myself to relax and let things just happen. It’s great how friendship develop naturally when you’re younger. You hang out here and there, call this person from time to time, they give you a shoulder, you give them a shoulder…and then all of a sudden you’re friends.

Sometimes I wonder what happened with my best girl friends from high school. I mean, I KNOW what happened, what things precipitated the ending of the respective friendships, but I wonder…why did they happen like that? Why did they have to happen? I don’t want to seem arrogant…but let’s just jump right into that water and admit that’s what I am anyhow. I really feel as if I grew up. The age difference was a matter of months—and I was always older. But that shouldn’t matter. Really, the both had much more serious relationships much sooner than I did. But, I don’t know…I’m the one that has had the longest lasting relationship. Well, comparing myself and the last lady to no longer be my best friend. The first lady—I think despite that fact that she married someone a year before I even met T, and he was 15 year older than us, and she had her first son a whole year before I had D, she still didn’t grow up. Her life was kinda sad, last time I talked to her. Which, really ,was about 8 years ago. My other friend, I think and hope she has done some growing. I know she’s found somebody to love.

But, since the end of that, I’ve felt as if I did a lot of backsliding. I still feel more grown up—I’m definitely learning who I am, and who we are as a couple and as a family in Christ. I just so miss having a best friend. I’ve got one in T, I’ve got one in Josh still, I’ve certainly got one in God…but it would be nice to have a lady friend to relate to, show D that it doesn’t have to end badly all the time.

It’s been a week now. I had a really good good cry last night as I stood in the shower. I just let it all out…I called out to God. Not to make it better. Not to do anything but be there. Know I’m scared and worried, and I can’t get out of it. All I want, now, forever, is to be in His light. There’s been peace this last week. I’ve known such peace as I’ve never known before in my life. As I was sitting at P’s bedside last week, I stopped to pray. No words came, but that’s because I knew He was there. Friday night, as I was holding P’s hand as I put him to bed, I prayed. I handed my babies back over to Him, and I said I know He’ll take care of them. And again, I felt such peace, because again I knew He was there. I shared it over on Faith Lifts, with Genny, who had asked if we were satisfied in God.

I shared it because reading that I realized, Yes, Yes I was TOTALLY satisfied in Him, right then, right there, every moment of every day since this has happened…I’ve been TOTALLY SATISFIED. Not because He’s “fixed” anything (really, I don’t think there’s anything to be “fixed” in this, just to be dealt with). Not because anything’s just how I want. But because I know He’s there. I can turn to Him and cry. I can turn to Him in praise. I can turn to Him and know that He’s got a path for me, whatever it is, and He’ll guide me where I need to be. I don’t know a stinkin’ thing, but that’s okay. Because He was there at the beginning, and He’ll be there at the end. He’s given me a wonderful life—not perfect, but wonderful. The ceiling might have holes, but there is great love contained within this home. And that’s God’s work. And He works in us—in those beautiful babies—and He loves us.

And, really, what more could we ask for? 🙂


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