I think that sums up how I feel right now the best. I’m starting to wonder when that someday will be.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last 24 hours or so. I can’t stand it when I lose such thinking—really deep thinking on these things I’ve been thinking about, or anything really, especially when I’ve come to some kind of realization or another. Anyhow, I’ve been doing some thinking. I’ve been having back pain on and off again a lot over these last couple weeks. Last night was pretty horrible, that same spot that it’s been really torturous with those few times, including 2 weeks ago when I was sick. Well, I’ve come to remind myself (not realize, since I’ve really always known this, just didn’t always want to deal with it) that I hunch over, all the time but it gets really bad when I get stressed. And I’ve been stressed. Between just HATING (I don’t like that word, and thus don’t use it often, so when I use it like that it means something) this apartment and having our normal money problems and the rest of the world having money problems and realizing what that means for us too…who can blame me if I just want to curl up into a ball? I haven’t, but I’ve been doing a lot of the hunching over. And not just when I’m crafting either.
But, I look around and think about my life, and realize that I feel very depressed because of these 4 walls, because I don’t feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel that is living in this place. I realized I was so eager to clean this place back in late June and July because I knew I was leaving. Sure, it was for only 3 short short too short weeks, but I knew I was going to be GONE for a while. But now I’m back. And I don’t enjoy being in this place, around these people, living with the problems of this place, and I don’t know when it’s going to stop. I want it to stop now. I don’t want it to stop with something like the family whose house burned down last month, I just want to be out of here, and I imagine myself wiping the dust of this place off my feet as we leave. Because somewhere deep down inside I almost feel like this is an unholy place.
This whole thought process also results in the next 100 Word Challenge straying from the previous ones, and becoming a poem talking about my situation. And trying to pull something POSITIVE out of it. I am SICK of ALL THE NEGATIVITY, which is part of why I want out of here!!!