Mostly because of church. Yeah, I’m that much of a sap now…
But it’s really rejuvenating. I always feel better once I’m done with church.
Today’s development was interesting, and totally unexpected. It will produce results in an area of my life I’ve been…avoiding for some time. I’ve faced part of it, but it’s time to clear the slate.
I’ve talked about forgiveness before. About forgiving my ex best friend for the things in our past that really hurt me. What I’ve come to realize lately, is that I haven’t forgiven myself for things related to why I quit talking to her, the straw that broke the camel’s back. I put my kid in a situation that, while I was somewhat unaware yet in a way very aware of (I mean, it’s not unforseeable that something like what happened could have), I still blamed myself for allowing her to even potentially be exposed to.
Today’s sermon was focused on Romans 3:23 & 24 part of which was dealt with last week, and how we are filthy with sin yet washed by Jesus’ sacrifice. This week, it was the justified part, that through His grace we are made Just As If we had not sinned. And then it hit me. All those things I had done before—those things I don’t want mom to know (only because she would not understand, or maybe she would I just don’t want to have to discuss them with her), all those things only God and I know, all those things that at 2am I think about and beat myself up about (yeah, 2am’s a bad time for me sometimes, which is why I really do try to get to bed at 10 or 11 with P), including putting D in the situation she was put in by being friends with that person at that time…all those things have been washed away. I have been forgiven, and it’s as if it never happened.
And so it got me to thinking. Is it time…I’ve often wondered, after sermons talking about bringing grievances with other members of the body of Christ to Him, sometimes through other church members, whatever, and sometimes during reconciliation sermons…stuff like that…I’ve often wondered…should I write to her, just to let her know I no longer bear any ill will? Should I clear that slate? And when I left the service, I must have seemed a million miles away, because Pastor A asked me what was up. I explained to her the basics…old friend, things happened, forgiveness for other things, forgiveness of self realized during service, the things I’d wondered during other sermons. And she said that it did in fact sound like I’m ready to reach out and at least let her know that there’s no bad feelings anymore. Not that I want to be friends, not that I want to get back in heavy contact, not that I’m looking for what we had. But that I still care, I don’t hate her, and I’m happy to see the wonderful developments in her life that have happened since I stopped talking to her. I’m not sure about her becoming a member of the crochet group again, but then I’m co-owner, and I have the right to say no. 😐 That’s perhaps the hardest part—I don’t want her to think she can come in and take over the place, ya know? We’ve had more than enough problems with members this year…:-|