Further thinking things out.

So I sat down here to do some Blog Hoppin’, maybe write a blog post, and definitely do the papers.

I had ideas about what to write in my post. Instead of doing all I intended, I ended up reading a touching love story…theirs “ends” (continues) much the same as ours does, though it’s nearly totally different. But I love to hear how others got together, so it’s an interesting story…you can go read Emery and Chris‘s story for yourself 🙂 (Man, I hope if she gets my flow trickle of traffic to her blog to read her love story—which, by the way, you can get to by the links on her sidebar—she won’t hate me. I don’t even know her.) I actually got there because of reading another Blog Hopper’s post (they’re going to church together this weekend or something).

Of course, now I feel almost more lost than anything. But more scared and eager to talk to Pastor A at church. After this last bout of PMS (because I’m sure that’s a big part of the problem that takes 2 or more weeks out of my month) and possible diabetes (because of the insatiable need for water I spoke of and people commiserated with me on during last week’s Blog Hoppin’ trekers), I’m left with questions.

I’m starting to wonder if my rant last week wasn’t at least partly hormonally inspired. And the love story I read helps with that question in a way.

I’m just so confused….things are banging against themselves and the walls of my head, making it a nice little moshpit.

I still hate this apartment with a passion. I don’t like the word hate, so to use it is important, note worthy.

Re the blog post—a thought that occurred to me. While my relationship with my husband defines me in a big way, as does my position as the mother of my children—it’s not the only definition of me. And other than a small bout of jealousy here and there, and not feeling comfortable with my really quite portly self, I don’t question the validity of our bond. Nary a question or a doubt, really—especially after the night he commented to me that our relationship was unconditional. I KNOW he loves me as God does. I worry that sometimes I don’t…but I think most of the time I get pretty close. And a member of my crochet group made the comment in the email today that we much really be in love, because he’s always with me at the get togethers. Well. We are. Our little group of 4 souls might have our squabbles sometimes (frankly, I left the house for about 15 minutes last night because I am just sick of all the yelling my 11 year old does, and after doing a bunch of it with her and then her having a bunch with her father, I had had enough and needed to get out of the house for just a few minutes. Never mind that we were actually on our way out the door to go to WalMart—I just needed some time away from them. Not much, just a little. And I needed to sorta collect my thoughts. Actually, the whole drive my mind was blank, until I made the decision to turn home. I never liked it when my mom yelled—and man could she yell, I’d hate to know what it sounded like in HER home when she was a kid. Because her mom was certifiable. So it’s a bit disheartening to have to listen to D. And then, sometimes she tells mom things….with my mom I don’t often know anymore. Oh gees…off the subject much?)but we are a closeknit little unit. We are our own little social circle—T and I both have friends, and of course D does, since she is after all in school—but the bulk of our time is spent TOGETHER. Like I was trying to explain to my mom the other day—to me, the idea of sitting around the dinner table now is more in the abstract. We eat dinner together, and more often than not it’s in front of the tv. But we are TOGETHER. We can’t get far from each other in this house. Hmm….and when we find another place, I don’t want to have it TOO spread out. My parents’ house in nicely organized—but, no, there is no way in heck I’m going to take over that shack. It’s old and falling apart. No, we have our lives outside of the house, but most of the people T and I are friends with understand that the 4 of us are a package deal. And D’s friends—if we don’t get to know the kid and the kid’s parent(s), there is little hope for that relationship. Hmmm, yeah, that makes sense considering some of the friendships she’s had.

But, I have to ask—is it possible that we’re here because we still have work. Like all the time it took my mom to get back up here from Ohio? What’s our work? Might not find out for years. I just hope it doesn’t take long for us to find out. Ugh, I can’t stand this place on so many levels!!!

Wish me luck. I think I’m actually ending this on a positive note, at least in my mind. 🙂 Still feel like I’m on pause though!


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