Thanks to all the Blog Hoppin’ friends who have come around so far. I really appreciate the comments!! 🙂 I’m definitely a Comment Whore…And you know, I was feeling rather unloved and unappreciated in the blog world before I sat down here. So you raised my spirits!
Quick update, if you care to know what I’ve gotten done, relating to yesterday’s post (if not, skip to the next paragraph)—I’m not preggers, I took the test this morning. An EPT. I was both happy and disappointed…especially after I looked at the box, because I couldn’t remember what was a positive reading and what wasn’t. I don’t have the instructions anymore, but lucky for me it’s got the 2 possibilities on the front—and what dope (and honey I’m no dope, otherwise I wouldn’t have the upcoming) can’t understand that a – in the one window would be negative and a + would be positive? It slightly confused D when she found it. I wanted to throw it away before she came home, but I’m just lazy right now 😐 I explained that sometimes a woman needs to double check stuff like that, especially when she’s feeling really tired (one of my first symptoms with P was that I was TIRED. DEAD tired…I woke up one day to go to class, as I was still in college then, and I was so tired when getting out of the shower despite having had a pretty restful night the night before, that I decided to go back to bed. It was a Friday, and a class I didn’t enjoy much—and I hadn’t taken many if any days off up until then. With D, I just knew because it was pre-Depo Provera, and I knew when I ovulated, plus when I was due for my monthly…because I was like clockwork before the Depo :-|), and her system is off. T thinks that once I get below 300 again (I started edging back up past the 300 mark, I’m gaining that 50 back…:-S), I’ll get something again. I think it’s coming either way…I’m awash in hormones again. But I’d rather be, really. I was thinking another little L baby wouldn’t be so bad, but then when I thought it was possible, I was scared to heck…P’s quite a handful now, I don’t know how I would or could (with a goat, in a boat—yes, Green Eggs and Ham is a favorite around here) handle another 😐 But, I also made sure the kids got to their dentist appointment (with how I feel that’s a great accomplishment), ran 2 loads thru the washer and did 2 sink fulls of dishes. I know, it’s not great, but it’s big for how I feel right now.
But I’ve got to apologize to anyone else who shows up, because even though it’s 1am and I should be in bed, I have to have a small rant right now…
As I was putting P to bed, I got to thinking.
I want to know what’s going on with me. I mentioned yesterday that we got the State Tax Refund from H&R Block. Well, most of that is going to pay for 2 of the really big bills I’ve had with local doctors for the majority of the last 3 years—I’ve got to pay the 20% from the OB/GYN for the guy who (1) said “okay, give her that now” (for the pitocin, since P was essentially induced, though somehow I think he would have arrived on his birthday anyhow. We wanted him to be born the day he was for several reasons—it’s T’s dad’s birthday, and she’s born on my mom’s birthday, which is 2 days after P and G’s, and T’s dad was here for the birth…so I wanted it to be special. I was hoping for that day, and when I talked with the other doc in the place, we decided if he didn’t come on his own before that, we’d induce that morning), (2) put the remote monitor on the little guy’s head once we were no longer able to get the heartbeat on the usual monitor put on my belly, and (3) came in and said “here I’ll catch”. Why they get paid so much for so little, I really don’t know. I don’t think the doc was in there an hour total—I was pushing more with the nurses standing there than I was with him in the room. I think it was maybe a half an hour that he was in while I pushed (and I think that’s generous). The other bill is with my general practitioner, who I actually kinda like, and who was my parents doc as well for a while, and the heart check I got back at the end of 2006. I guess it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, because he didn’t have them call up and say “hey, you’re gonna die if you don’t get in here and get this taken care of”. I’ve already gone in to try to make an appointment with the GYN, how T and I decided I’d do it—request an appointment and when they mentioned the bill, say I’d talk to someone to take care of it. I can’t make an appointment until then, and I think the same will happen with the gen prac. I’ve got to go in or call them up—but I guess I won’t be able to until Tuesday, since with President’s Day everyone seems to be closed. I look forward to all that being taken care of because—I don’t want to repeat myself too much, or sound like a total loon or something—but I just want to know what’s wrong with me!!! I’m lucky if I have 1 good week out of the month. Even when I was like clockwork, I didn’t have this problem. Okay, so I was like clockwork when I was in my teens, and as energetic as possible, but still. My sister didn’t have it easy with her cycle, and she’s not taken anything like I have birth control wise (though I think she might have taken the Pill, so maybe I’m wrong on that)…still she’s friggin’ falling apart at the seams. At 26.
I just get so sick of it all. I have so much I want to do…and I don’t mean with things I want to do for ME. I mean, I want to be CONSISTENT….with the housework, with taking care of the kids (I’m not saying I know or think I’m a bad parent, but that there are a lot of places that could use a lot of improvement). I want to have the energy and the confidence to make my candle biz GROW. And yes, I want the energy to be able to do all my hobbies (I don’t do each of the 8+ hobbies every day, but I’d like to do the big ones fairly regularly without much problem….you know, crochet [which is sometimes all I have the energy and desire to do], cook, bake, blog, write letters and OH YEAH write period. Not to mention read, which I don’t do much anymore.). I think part of it is keeping the tv off. I don’t like it much… I’m starting to feel like a sloth just because of that. There are only certain things I like to watch, most of them are in the evenings, but I prefer to have them DVRed, and watch them later. Some of them (like Monk and Psych) are things I prefer to watch with T, because he’s a big part of why I’m watching them. I figure I could look into decreasing the cable bill, as money is always an issue weighing heavily on my mind (which is why I opened the candle biz in the first place. I’m just sayin’ Also, because it was the only product I found that I LOVED, and I won’t sell anything I don’t absolutely love. Not even Avon. I’d like to sell my own handwork too, since I love to crochet, but that may come later…)by bringing us down from the premium stuff, which doesn’t really get watched (like Cinemax, and stations 99-490…I like the music stations, but now that I’ve got the new Home Sound System, and some Christian music CD’s—I bought the Songs 4 Worship Country, plus some old hymns and some other Christian music—I guess I don’t really need to use the music stations on the tv anymore, do I? And D and P usually watch the kids shows on the lower channels—though P likes to watch Sesame Street, which I can just pull up at any time wit the Kid’s Free On Demand channel…though I would guess teaching a kid some PATIENCE once in a while isn’t a bad thing either). I wonder how much that would take off the cable bill—I switched the phone over to Time Warner, since to have unlimited long distance on it is cheaper than having to pay for 300 minutes through the local phone company. Despite the fact that I’d rather have the peace of mind that comes from having the phone there even during blackouts. And I NEED internet—not just for all the fun of blogs or the crochet group or email or games—but for the candle biz (yes, there it is again. I’m just sayin’) too and because I don’t want to go to the library to look stuff up.
You know, my English teacher in high school told me I really like to go off on Tangents. But sometimes this is just how my mind works.
Still, same theme—I just want to know what’s wrong. It’s giving me fits. Is it physiological? Am I suffering from some mental problem (this does run in the family, but I don’t think I’ve got the worst stuff, if anything I’ve got depression. Scizophrenia tends to start in people’s teens-twenties, and I’m already in my 30’s.)? I’ve been thinking—what is keeping me from losing the weight? Am I just lazy? Is there a hold up in my past that has me a real sucker for emotional eating? What is it? I mean, I’m a good person. Heck, not to be too full of myself or arrogant or anything—I’m a freakin’ GREAT person. I’m loving, giving, humble (really, I am. This is very much an oddity for me to compliment the heck of myself…I’m usually very modest), kind, loyal…also, I’ve got many talents, I’ve got a friggin’ college degree, I’ve got ambition (I want to do the best I can to take care of my family, I just don’t want to be a “traditional” anything), I know how VERY lucky I am—I used to say “I’d like to have had a harder life, that way I could know what it’s like to have really hard knocks.” I don’t say that anymore—I know how lucky I am. I had a good childhood—even though I didn’t get all of the best things in life, I’ve got 3 things that I would never replace for the world—a great relationship with both of my parents (1&2), and a halfway decent one with my sister (#3, even though a lot of times I’d like to wring her neck) not to mention a childhood where I was LOVED, CARED FOR AND TAUGHT HOW TO BE A GOOD PERSON. And even though the way it all started wasn’t perfect, God has continued to bless me in my adult life—I’ve got a WONDERFUL husband, who loves me JUST HOW I AM, and 2 absolutely wonderful (though not completely perfect) children, who I’m awesomely proud of, and who are the absolute center of my world. After God and Jesus, of course.
Maybe, to return to a thought I’ve had before—maybe this is a pruning period to get me to a point where I’ll (a) appreciate the rest of God’s blessing that he will eventually rain down upon me and (b) be able to grow once again, crazy like a weed.
I want so much for my family. I want so much for me. And I want it all so that I can give some of it back to God.
You know, if you have read this far and have any insight, let me know, k?