My Weekend.

Well, it didn’t start pretty. I was going to write a post all about Saturday and some of Friday (though right now I can’t remember for the life of me what it is about Friday I wanted to talk about, other than the fact that I was nearly to tears that day too.). I’ve continued to feel down, up until yesterday at and after church.

I found myself having difficulty not crying at church. I didn’t hardly sing at all (that’s at least one blessing, ha ha!), and I was wiping my eyes here and there. It was by the third song (I think.), “Healing Rain”, that I just sorta gave up a bit and opened my heart to God to deal with. I definitely handed it all over to Him. I felt a bit better by the end of service.

Then T and I were outside playing with P, after D and her friend went for a walk. We went out front, I don’t remember exactly why, and were puttering around. P found a Monarch butterfly whose one wing was tore, and we held him for a bit (I’m not at all sure where he ended up going, if someone put him down someplace or something), then T and I looked up and saw a rainbow. Then we saw another—and pretty soon was saw a total of five. Yes, FIVE. And it really brightened up my mood. Why?

Well, I don’t know how well you know the story of Noah and the Flood, but after the flood, God sent a rainbow to Noah as a sign of His covenant that He will never again bring a flood. (If you want an exact quote of the passage, you can go here.) To me it said there is hope. When we’re done with all this garbage, our blessings may abound. If nothing else…one day things will be better. And that really lifted my spirits.

I have to start thinking about Christmas. I’m thinking scarves for most people this year. Maybe not my mom, or T, but definitely my BIL (orange and blue, of course) and P (orange and blue too, LOL!) and D (black, I should have some around), and my sister (I have just the yarn, it’ll be different), and maybe a few other people (not saying who ). I’m working on a pattern I found looking through my blog, for Mittens on Two Needles (I’m doing it with a solid color. No reason to limit one’s self!). I’m wondering if this is the pattern (or sets of patterns) close to what my grandma used to use. I don’t know the last time I’ve seen mittens com from her. Or sweaters. She’s made my mom quite a few LARGE ones, one of which my mom handed down to me just last week. It’s a green one. And to my surprise, there are some ends towards the bottom of the sweater that are woven in! I think it’s one of the first few ends I’ve found in my grandma’s work! And that says a lot because I’ve seen a LOT of my grandma’s work. I’ve always wondered how she wove them in so well. I also wonder, now that I think about it, if it’s one of the last of the sweaters my grandma made. But, I think I know what I’ll make for my mom and dad (actually, my dad might get another nice thick scarf too…but no scarf for mom, I only make her what she requests because I usually miss the mark if I don’t! LOL!). My mom is half Swedish, and she loves her some Limpa Bread. So, I was looking at my Bloglines blog reader, and what should I find, but a Limpa Bread recipe! PEEEEEEEEERFECT!!!!

Now, it’s numb…

The way I feel at least. And a bit tired. And I’ve had a headache just over my left eye for most of the last 24+ hours. The only time it goes away is if I take Ibuprofen. Which I do every time I realize it hurts.

The landlord was here, he just didn’t come inside. I don’t know whether he intended to or not. I guess he was just mainly taking care of that heater upstairs—he’s been supposed to be replacing it since last year, I guess that’s what he was doing.

We went to look at the apartment that sorta really spurred me along to looking for a place. It’s my friend’s apartment, from my American Constitutional Law class—with talking to her, I decided it was time to really look at Student Rentals for possibilities. We have an appointment to look at another place, this one near the fire hall, on Saturday. I’m not sure if I would be happy so close to the fire hall, but it’s $495, where as my friend’s landlord would be charging $600. I don’t think it’s really worth that. Maybe the $500 she’s paying, but not really $600. And how would we be able to swing that? I don’t know. I kinda liked her apartment. It did have some sorta nice bedrooms. I’m sick of rugs though. And other than the bathroom and the kitchen, it was all rug. I liked the living room, it was kinda big, and the room off it. I can imagine how we’d situate things if we were to live there—some storage up in the closets, at least the one we’d use as P’s room. I’m not sure where the “garage” stuff would go, other than either at my dad’s or in a storage place. That living room is pretty much big enough that we could keep P’s toys, that and the computer room. I’d probably still feel stuffed. But we’d be off a main highway.

Speaking of my parents’ place though—my dad would be willing to let us take over the payments on their house. It would have to be next month. And dad would have to find himself a place. And we’d have to weed a lot of stuff from both places. But I’d have that garage to store stuff in, even if just for a little bit. D wouldn’t be crazy about the idea, she wants to stay here in town. I’d like to, too, it would be easier in some ways on the pocket book.

My sister also said she’d ask her landlord if he has any places down here. That might be nice, who knows?

But, yeah, other than that headache, now I just feel numb. I’m kinda sad, because I was thinking earlier that the only area I feel successful in is school. I told my mom that, and she said “yeah, because it’s the only thing you can control.” That and my writing…it always gets good reviews Now if only I could SUBMIT stuff.

And when I was walking by the day care director’s office door on my way to my second class today (if I go up the elevator just outside that door, it comes right on the classroom for my Ethics class), I overheard her talking to someone on the phone. That she told she’s going to be at a conference for the next 2 days, but she’d give them her cell phone so they could talk about “Allison”. It made me wonder. Should I worry? Are there other Allison’s she’d be talking about? I think I might have seen one volunteer whose name is Allison, and she could always be giving a reference….but it still makes me wonder.

I just feel empty. Numb. Lost. Worried. Responsible. Sad.

I want out of here so bad. And I feel like we’re in this big hole, and I’m the only one who thinks there’s a problem with that fact, I’m the only one who wants to get out, and I’m the only one who thinks we should do something about it.

So tired…..

Excuse me while I scream.

This is the last straw. One way or another, we HAVE to be out of here, and it might mean that we’re evicted. Because the landlord decides NOW to take care of his house. Because he wants to sell it and soak it for all the money he can get.

I just want out of here. I hate that it’s coming to this.

I felt like shit all day. I felt just fine up until I took my vitamin, on an empty stomach. The rest of the day, I felt horrible.

And I still want to scream. Over and over and over again until I’m hoarse or my throat bleeds or I die. I want to be done with this place. I want my family to listen to me, I want to be somewhere better, and I can’t WAIT to get out of here.

My landlord will not get another penny from me. Nothing. He doesn’t deserve it. He hasn’t taken care of the ceiling in our computer room, and now it’s MY fault, because when HE finally decides to take care of it, I’m finally going back to school.

So I want to scream and cry, and get myself out of this. I wish we could buy our own home. That would make me happier.

I feel like a complete and total loser.

Don’t pity me or feel sorry for me, though.

Just pray that we can figure this out.

I want to scream so bad.

100 Word Challenge – Place

As I promised, here is my entry for Velvet Verbosity’s 100 Word Challenge for Place.

I worked hard on it, I got the idea nearly as soon as I read it. My inspiration came from a poem I wrote in one of my first Creative Writing classes, which came from an experience I had once when I had a tooth pulled and got put under Nitric Oxide (I didn’t want to have to go through the heck of getting a tooth pulled and feeling the dull pull despite the Novocaine…if I thought my first wisdom tooth was bad, I just had to wait until I got one in front of my bottom right wisdom tooth pulled after I had P. I felt the *snap* of the nerve, the Novocaine had started to take so long to take effect by that time. I didn’t get numb for the root canal that was first attempted on that tooth until I was walking out the door…it took a WHILE.

Without further ado…

I always thought I was going someplace.

Now it looks like there is no place that we go.

I feel only warmth.

This isn’t so bad, at least it’s SOME place.

I don’t feel what I thought I’d feel.

What if this is where we’re not supposed to go?

What will my family think when they find out I’m not there, waiting?

…

It’s definitely warm here.

It’s not your time.

I’ll be whole if I’m with that voice. Who’s there?

No! I don’t want to go! I just got here. I want to come with you, not go back!

A new day, a new dawn.

I feel better today. Not sure why. I don’t think I’ve really caught up on my sleep like I should. You know how I am about sleep. You don’t? I love to sleep, but I also like to stay up late at night. 2am is a good time to go to bed. But it’s also rough on the body, rough on the mind, and not good to day for multiple days on end. Some times when I stay up that late, I start getting paranoid towards the end. That’s the best way to describe it. Sometimes, if I haven’t had enough sleep, it’s tough to think straight or get myself motivated, or get things done I want done, or think straight (yeah, that’s right, it DESERVES to be mentioned twice). Sometimes, if I stay up that late, I can go right to bed. Even get up at our usual time (between 8:30 and 9am, with and without the mechanical alarm clock. P’s a great alarm clock on his own!). Sometimes if I stay up that late, I’m groggy and can’t get the slug out of bed. I suppose everyone’s like that, huh? Sometimes, if I’m up that late, my mind’s going a million miles a minute. Some of the entries for VV’s 100 Word Challenge were done that early in the morning (not all of them. In fact, I just about have the one for Place complete, and I was just working on it. I feel really good about it. There’s even some history to it—you’ll be let in on that when I post it ).

The test in Social Statistics today feels pretty good. I even took the time to celebrate it. A few of the questions took a couple tries and a couple examination, but once I got them, I was good. And I had a brain fart at least twice. But I got that too.

I think going down a couple needle sizes is going to help with the socks. I just was not satisfied with how they were casting on

I think I have Place in place, so I’ll give it a few hours to stew and then see how we are later tonight. I anticipate posting it this evening

Yay!

First off, I’ll let you in on why I say yay—because I got picked as VV’s pick of the week for the 100 Word Challenge. That makes me feel good—I work very hard on my snippets, and I’m incredibly excited when one comes up as an installment of the Clifton Saga. We’ll see if Place works itself out as another installment too. It occurs to me, though, that I have to sit down and contemplate where these stories are going. Or do I? I’m totally enjoying the process. I love the writing and creating process.

As of late, I’ve felt a bit stifled. Not completely—I’ve always got something on the hook, right now it’s a second blanket using a multiple of the baby blanket pattern I love (and did for my sister’s first baby, a blanket whose ends I still have to weave in). Things are starting to come back. I’m trying to get a new pair of socks on the needles, the first from that book I bought back at the beginning of the year…Socks a la Carte. I might not have the right needles, or the right yarn for it. I’ve been fighting with getting it on the needles. I eventually did, but then felt that the cuff was too wide for a normal person’s leg. I think I’ll try again, tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, I have another test. First in this particular class, Social Statistics. I was going to do a Thursday Thirteen on all the things I find interesting about where we are so far, but I didn’t get it done in time on Thursday, and really it will be too late on this Thursday, so I gave it up. I had a test today, in Intro, I feel a whole lot better about this one than I did about the last one. I’m going to have a take home test in my Ethics class this weekend.

I played around with my Myspace page. It’s been a really long time since I cleared it up and put things up on it. I didn’t change the background, though, I like it a lot.

I think that’s about it. I feel better now than I did earlier, I can’t tell you why exactly.

Have a good day

100 Word Challenge – Getting back into it!

I’ve got 2 installments for the 100 Word Challenge Velvet Verbosity puts on. Both will also be posted under the Clifton Saga tab I’m not crazy about the first (Lemonade), but I really like the second (Rain). So, here you go. It feels good to be writing again, hope I can keep it up and do it with other prompts and more, period!

Lemonade

She stares as condensation rolls down the glass of lemonade, the tart-sweet memory of her mom’s recipe lingering at the back of her throat, a secret her mother took with her.

Her eyes return to the stack of papers she’d been organizing. Old and new stains on the edge of the top sheet show emotions felt over it.

Who is her real mother? She remembered Phillip finding his, but had no idea she’d one day embark on the same journey of self discovery, understanding or forgiveness. She knows all too well the false starts and dead ends she could face.

Rain

Mom came out, wrapped an arm around me, and stood by the rain barrel I’d been watching behind my grandparents’ house as she cleaned after her mom died.

After she had stood there for a few moments, I said “it’s not filling up as fast as it used to.”

Just as I was going to say it again, she looked down at the barrel. “Grandpa drilled a hole in the bottom before he died. I didn’t want you playing in the yard because it makes the grass slippery and muddy.”

“You okay ma?”

After a pause, she said, “reliving memories.”

Food 4 Thought and Friday Fill-Ins 10/16/2009 – back into it again?

I love my laptop. I love having internet at home. This is my life now. I used to think it was crazy that people kept EVERYTHING in their laptop—surprise, now I’m one of those. I can sit in my bedroom and play on the internet (as long as the house has internet). Sweet.

Breakfast
Would you or have you ever gone sky diving?

No. And I never will. No thanks.

Lunch
What do you think about President Obama receiving the Noble Peace Prize?

I’m disappointed to say….I’m disappointed.

First of all, you have to understand that I voted for the man. I’m excited that the first black president was elected while I lived (not that I’m all that old, or that I thought it would be impossible in my lifetime). I believe that, if there’s going to be change, this is the time to have it. I have many mixed feelings about him—I hope he’s the man to be that change, I hope that he’s not going to mess this up, I hope he doesn’t end up being a really bad person instead (like the Anti-Christ or something. Not that I expect him to be. I still think W is.). I pray for this man more than I’ve, for sure, ever prayed for any other president in my lifetime (and some of them needed it more!).

But I’ve been thinking both with this and with that silly trip to Denmark. If W had taken off, at any point in time during his presidency, but yes especially when he was dealing with some hefty stuff, I would have been perturbed. What right does he have to go off for something so frivilous. Did he really think we were going to get the Olympics? Come on.

I believe he has the potential to earn the Peace Prize. I hope he’ll be able to pull it off. But not even a YEAR into his presidency? Really, who thought that was a good idea???

Dinner
What is the last movie you saw? Did you enjoy it?

Ratatouille. Who doesn’t enjoy Disney’s kids movies?

Midnight Snack
How much of a worrier are you?

UGH. Don’t get me started!!

Recipe of the Week(instead of your recipe for life, what is it just for this week?)

Just surviving with His help. I know he’s always there, that’s all I need.

1. So are we going to ever move out of this God forsaken place???????

2. I just know that change is what’s up ahead.

3. I love to enjoy the experience of getting comfortable in a new place. I miss it.

4. I just want an apartment or house of some sort.

5. I walk a fine line between successfully dealing with this place, and not going stark raving mad. Now we have mice. Really. Mice.

6. Being with family is the true elixir of life!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to going to bed, tomorrow my plans include not doing much other than maybe making a lasagna for my mom and Sunday, I want to go to church, there isn’t much else for us to do!

It’s so bad…

I’m on here again. I think that’s how happy I am to have the internet back at home. I can get on the web any time I want. Even at nearly 1am. In my bedroom, in the dark, playing on facebook and looking at blogs. And blogging. How bad is that???

I love this blog, it’s awesome to go and see how her latest project is progressing. I made a comment the other day (I think it was just yesterday) talking about how her work will “unfortunately look like the new digitized camo print”…and she commented on my comment. It makes a lady feel good!

Good news—I will have new installments of the Clifton Saga up soon. I’ve got 2 written, one needs more editing, for VV’s 2 latest words in the Challenge. I’m looking forward to putting them up either Friday or some day this weekend. Then I can print them off and give them to my mom too!

Finally…the internet!

Finally, we have the internet at home. And what am I doing? Sitting at COLLEGE and doing all the things I plan on doing on the computer when I get home. Or now can do at home whenever I want with my little laptop. Oh well, it’s not like I’m accepting the last gift I’ll ever be able to accept on Facebook. Or putting the last fish in my fish tank (over at Fish World). Or accepting the last neighbor for whatever game I play.

And totally blowing off any reading for at least my first class of the day. I’ve got a test in it on Tuesday. I’ve been poking at the study guide here and there. Just things I know off the top of my head, what have you. I’m going to have to borrow my daughter’s highlighter and go through my notebook with the stuff I need to know.

I’m sneezing up a storm. Not sure why. Probably another bout of some sickness.

And I’m tired. Someone stupid was up until 2am. The kids were asleep. Before midnight, at least…or close to that.

And, as a closing comment, I’ll send you to a blog with a very accurate accounting of how I feel about the whole health care reform issue. I think there are a lot of people who have neither their head nor their heart in the right place. For the majority of those on the “no reform” side, it’s either about ignorance (they have never had to worry about where the money to pay for those doctor bills is going to come from) or money. Mostly about money. Pay special attention to her bullets. Really, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m just lucky, I’ve only been without health insurance for about 2 years of my life, maybe 3, but the quality of coverage we’ve gotten from my husband’s employer has dewindled significantly. It was one of the biggest reasons they went on strike during the contract negotiations nearly 9 years ago!

Finally figured out how to use the webcam on here. I might, sometime. We’ll see.

Later, gotta jet to class!