ARGH!

It’s not that I’m not doing anything. I’m doing a lot of things. Trying to figure things out, trying to find balance…trying to….*sigh*…..

I have been busy. Up until recently, I’ve been good about keeping the house up. That’s something I’m working on today (dishes are the best indicator, because I hate doing them – and if I can keep up with them…..).

I’ve been supporting my little man with Cub Scouts. We had a bowling fundraiser on Sunday. I was rather impressed, and maybe even a little disgusted with myself. We were able to raise roughly $90 in the span of about 5 hours, and he was able to get the biggest item he could get because of pledges. It’s obvious why I was impressed – the reason I was disgusted is probably not the reason why you are thinking. I’m actually rather proud of the fact that we were able to do that, that I was able to do that (between my lil man and I, we raised the large percentage of that money at church, but his dad and I put our heads together and, with me doing the calling, we raised the rest from my husband’s co-workers). What saddens me is that I’m not putting that much effort into growing my business. Both things are centered around the same reason, my children (since I’m going to have an 18 year old in a matter of months, really it’s going to be all about my youngest before you know it). So, why am I not working as hard. That’s a bit part of the trying to figure things out.

My situation hasn’t changed very much. I’m in the same place I was on 2 years ago, with a certain person recently latching on to my tail. Why is it that I’m still here? In a lot of ways, I’m unhappy with where I am. So, why am I not doing more to get myself out of the slump? The fiasco with my narcissistic friend is no excuse.

I have to be straight – I think my health had/has a lot to do with it. Since getting my blood pressure under control at least, I feel a lot clearer and a lot better able to handle things.

My business is growing slowly. Probably because I’m not putting as much time into it and as focused on it as I should be. But I love the business anyhow. I know it is something I will be doing until the day I die – the trick just is to grow it before then. Cause I won’t be able to after o.O

My biggest frustration as I’m nearing just 38 is that I don’t feel like I’ve done very much with my life. Yes, I’ve been a wife and mother, shaping minds, for nearly 20 years. You read that right. I’m going to have an 18 year old at the end of this school year. Who is already making plans to go out and have her own life. I’d like to have my own, too, and I don’t see why I have to live vicariously through her – I definitely don’t want the same things she wants. And I’m pretty sure I don’t want the same things I thought I wanted when I was her age, either. I feel like, for a while, I’ve been floundering. I put up a lot of barriers for myself over the years, with the negative self talk and thinking “I can’t do this” or “I can’t do that.” And it’s put me behind. Instead of thinking positively and moving forward in life, I feel like I’ve stagnated and I’m not going much of anywhere.

I’m starting to grow spiritually, tho, and after having a conversation with my friend Cindy (at Here, There Be a Writer, over on your right) where I listed a lot of things that have been going on lately, I feel somewhat better. I’m not totally stagnant. I’m growing, changing still (if we aren’t all the time, I think there’s something wrong), and I’m not dead yet so things can still get better.

I went to a manifestation class at the beginning of the year. I hate to say it, but I haven’t done much, yet, maybe, to help that along. But I do have want to manifest something now. I ask myself, why hasn’t certain things manifested yet? Am I that lazy? Am I that behind? Am I that wrong about the things I think? What am I right about?

I am determined to find my way, whatever that way is. And the first step is to manifest enough money to pay for a licensing course for Real Estate.

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3 thoughts on “ARGH!

  1. Thanks for the plug! Don’t worry, you will find your way. Keep looking! Keep trying! “If you really want to do something, no one can stop you; if you really don’t want to do something, no one can help yoiu.” ~James A. Owen :-)

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